Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...But the Honesty

   I HATE, DESPISE, LOATHE admitting weakness. It is worse than eating liver, getting grey hair, having knee surgery, even having the flu. Yes, I would actually rather throw up for a few hours than admit what I am about to admit to you now. My body has finally defied me. The stress (I dislike that word) has taken over. In my last post, I admitted that I have having getting tension headaches.

  I finally went to see a doctor. Not my regular PCM. A...shrink...yes...I went to see if I was, in fact, completely off my rocker. Josh had pointed out to me, "why now?" he said, "you have been through some really heavy shit (pardon the language, he only speaks Marine)". He is right. What I have been through is more than the average bear. The things I have in my mind, would literally crumble the average person. One step into my brain, and surely it might take someone years of therapy. Not me, I just count my blessings and "keep swimming". Granted, I internalize everything, they say thats a "no-no", but it works just fine for me, since the day of my Mom's lumpectomy, June 15th (two days before my 16th birthday)...I have kept it in. If I want you to know how I feel, I'll share. Usually I share about 3/4's of what I feel, the other 1/4 is private.

  While being "evaluated" yesterday...yes, evaluated...(thinking in my head: oh my gosh, she is going to think I am crazy, nuts, admit this girl to the hospital crazy....she'll be able to see through my mind and know what I am thinking...panic, panic, pretend to be calm, pretend to be calm....wait....what am I thinking?, I am normal...why I am working myself up?, am I normal?, what if I am crazy?, oh my god, I can't breathe, I think I am going to combust) she asked me several questions. I answered, sometimes my answers were long, sometimes they were brief. Sometimes I would tell her what I though she needed to know, and sometimes I would tell her only what I wanted her to know.

 When she got to the question about seeing things, in my dreams, or even in my daydreams...about my Mom, or my grandma passing. I literally froze. I don't know the right answer, so I spoke truthfully. She asked if I ever had nightmares...or pictured them. I don't know about anyone else, but, when you see someone you love die, or you see them after they die, it is an image that will NEVER, EVER, EVER go away. There is nothing you can do to shake it. Why did she have to ask that? So now, I am being a hypochondriac, thinking she's thinking I have PTSD or something. I don't, I am just normal, right?! lol!

  I know this is literally all situational. I am anxious, stressed, worried...all because of the "what-if's" that come along with this surgery. I am 100% worried about my kids and 0% worried about me. Okay, actually, I take that back....I am 100% worried about my kids and 100% worried about my husband...and too bad, I know mathematically, I should say 50/50...but, I am not. I am saying 100/100, because I can, so there.

 Now, this medicine the doctor put me's not doing anything for the anxiety. I feel like someone can put me in one of those cage fights and I can KO a 300 pound guy...but I also feel like I need to sleep, for about 48 hours straight. I am like a zombie, with a lot of pent up anxiety. I called into the doctor...hopefully he can fix this. I have never met a zombie hulk. Seems counter productive, if you ask me. We shall see what tomorrow brings!


  1. Oh Katie :( Everything you are experiencing is normal. Of course you are having anxiety - that means that you are not taking these decisions lightly. It is ok to worry 100% about yourself too! Good to talk, good to journal and good to ask for Xanax!

    1. Xanex did nothing! Finally got to Valium, and I took it for about two weeks...haven't had it in days, and I am doing fine!

  2. Katie-
    It is so nice to read your honest and real accounts of this journey. I just spent 10 minutes typing out my whole story in the comments and then the screen refreshed and it was lost. Boo. So this time I will do the cliff notes!
    I am 29 and lost my mom at age 11. My family tree is littered with ovarian and breast cancers and we have both BRCA1 and BRCA2 positive members.
    In July during my yearly exam my OB found a lump and it was time for me to make the decision to be tested. The results came back 2 days before my sons 3rd birthday in August. I am BRCA1 positive.
    The last 7 months have been almost a blur of doctors appointments, specialists, crying, praying, thinking, discussing, and sometimes just laying and holding my sweet boy imagining all the what ifs. January 7th I had my PBM and on April 8th I will have my expanders swapped out for implants.
    I wanted to let you know that I understand exactly what you are going through. I have lost my mom and watched 2 other members (grandma and Aunt) struggle with cancer multiple times. Not to mention other members who came before or are not close on my tree.
    I wanted to let you know that if you ever need someone to chat with, cry with, discuss the surgeries, recovery, ways to handle children after surgery, etc. I am more than willing to do any or all of those things. Sometimes it helps to have someone who really does understand - totally and completely.
    I hope you email me, we have a bond through all of this.
    Thinking of you and wishing you a clear head and open heart.
    Shari R in Memphis

    1. Shari, I would love to chat with you! I just noticed this!

  3. Hey Katie - I really appreciate and identify with this post! Over this past year, I have definitely felt those same emotions and asked myself if I was crazy. I saw a therapist too, and recommend it for anyone who is going through all of this because it's so hard.

    I really admire your honesty and your writing. You may not realize it, but you are helping a lot of people!

    1. Thank you!! I can only hope! Even if it's just one person, it's still a life! :)