Wednesday, June 12, 2013

It's been a while...37 days out!

I feel terrible. Out of all the time that I SHOULD be sharing my journey, I wasn't. I have taken my time to heal. In the past month there has been so much emotion. I probably could tell you, day by day, how I felt. I won't do that though, likely it would be a very long and boring post, so I'll just highlight some things.

The last two weeks have been so very rough, even worse than the surgery The immediate two weeks after. Two weeks ago, I woke up and felt amazing. I didn't think I needed to take my pain medicine, so I decided to just not take it. Unfortunately, I wasn't using common sense and my body was very unhappy with me. I eded up in the hospital for a few days with withdrawal symptoms and a slight infection. This part has been the most discouraging thing on the physical side since the surgery. I felt great. I wanted to be off the pain medicine. Why take medicine when you don't need it? My body had other plans. On a level of 1-death/10...I was pushing into feeling around a 7. It's only been two days that I've finally started to feel better. My doctors have me on a very specific schedule to taper myself off of the medicine. I will say that I'll be refusing pain medicine like this in the future. It's miserable trying to get it out of your system. Fortunately, yesterday and today have been wonderful! 

Today was an absolutely perfect day...and I rarely ever say that until the next day, in fear I may jinx myself...but today was amazing. I had my weekly appointment with my doctor. Today it seemed like we walked right in which is very unusual. To my surprise, the plastic surgeon had told me we would be starting fills today! WOO HOO! I'm finally getting to start the expansion process! It's so intriguing to me! Better than the fill though...getting the go ahead to hold my daughter! Today was day 38 of not holding her! My husband and I rushed home after my appointment. I was on a mission. Two and a half hours until I was going to be able to pick Emma up. 

When I got home, I immediately dodged dogs, toys, and family,beelining it right to Em! I think she was so shocked that I was picking her up! I wish I could describe this magnetic feeling...holding your's my favorite thing in the entire world. The doctor said not to push it, so after a few minutes I set her down. The entire night she kept coming back up to me, squeezing my leg and saying "mamama up"! She knew she could finally be picked up again, and she took advantage of every opportunity. I am not complaining. I even got to put her to sleep by myself tonight, though at least twenty minutes was spent with us just hugging so close. Lots of her nuzzling into my head and at least a zillion kisses. It's moments like this that solidify my decision to have such a "radical" procedure. It's moments like this that make me realize how easy this choice was. No matter if there are scars, no matter if I had a little set back with medicine...this was very much worth it. 

I will say though, it's not always rainbows and butterflies. I want people to always know the truth and I want everyone to know that I am being honest about my experience, in hopes that maybe someone else may benefit or learn from my journey. I am 99.9% positive, however, even with this surgery, I have fears. I think because I have become so accustomed to death, I still have this horrible fear that I will pass away too young. I lost all of my grandparents before I even turned 16. I lost my mother before she could even make it to 55. The longest living relative I have had was my Father's father (though he passed when I was still in elementary school) as he was much older. Still though, I can't shake this fear that, I too, will die young. It's awful and terrifying. I want to do everything in my power to live for as long as I can for my children. I am healthy, happy, and strong. It I have control over anything, I'll be alive into my eighties...I pray that I'll live into my eighties. Overall, I would remove my limbs if it meant that I had more days with my family. There is a fight so deep in my soul to really live and enjoy life.

I owe it to my children to do everything in my power to be healthy and happy. 


  1. As an 8th grader at WRS you were a compassionate crusader for your classmates. It's no surprise that you would become an articulate and courageous crusader in the fight against breast cancer. In my book, both you and your husband should be awarded a Pink Heart medal for courage under fire.( He's a keeper, that Marine). Even though your children are very young as you face this challenge, they will come to realize how courageous their mom is and how much she loves them. You have many supporters ( myself included) in your journey--some earthly and some heavenly. Every time you feel discouraged, listen carefully. I think you'll hear the voices of your mom, grandmother, and aunt cheering,"You go,GIRL!" My thoughts and prayers are with you always. Happy birthday and many, many, many more! Love, Mrs. Waller

  2. Hey! My names Emily, I work with Evan. He gave me your info and I've read a bunch of your blog posts and they truly give me hope. Most of anything that I've read has all been related to older women with BC or having had a mastectomy, and even though we are all in the same boat with the procedure and the fight its still kind of hard me being so young (27). I tried the whole research online thing to be informed that was an epic failure and frankly scared the hell out of me more then help me, but your posts are totally real and have really given me some insight for my upcoming double mastectomy sometime in July! I'm super slammed today but I may give you a call tomorrow just to get some more insight (if that's alright).

    Em C.