Monday, January 7, 2013

Only 5%

   There it writing, straight from the geneticist I saw at UNC. Things always seem to look a lot worse when it's in writing. What's with that?! What really got me was the 50%. We already discussed everything else, but they had initially told me 45%. I guess 5% really shouldn't matter, but it did make me feel a bit nauseated, I can't deny that. As time goes on, research keeps improving and I can only hope by the time my babies grow up, there will be a cure for this. I hate that there may be something in my genes that will cause my babies to get breast cancer. I know my Mom would equally hate that I am going through all of this, though she would be my number one supporter in this decision.

   It all really makes me miss her. I need her hugs and her smile. I have the best support, but nothing is like having your Mom there to make things better. I know she is with me though...she always finds a way to let me know she is around. Josh brought in a box from the garage for me to go through tonight, and the first thing I pulled out was a card from her, from Brody's baby shower. I know she watches over me. She told me she would, and I told her I would think of her everyday (I haven't gone a day without having her pop up in my mind).

  One of the on call nurses at my hospital (everything is okay, just had a fever question about Brody and the dosage of medicine to give him) and I were discussing this, and she said "do you feel like maybe you are honoring your mother by having this surgery?". In a way, maybe I do. I never thought of it that way though, but I do know that I am doing what she would have wanted me to do. I do know she would never want me to go through what she went through. It's easy for me to say I know this, because as a mother, I finally understand what a mothers love really is. It's an actual physical pain when your child gets hurt. It's wishing only the best in life for your children. It's hurting when they have their feelings hurt. A mothers love is giving everything you have to your babies and never feeling a "need" for anything more...just making them happy. A mothers love is everything good. I know she only wanted me to be happy and free of physical or emotional pain. I know she would be here for me if she could. She tried. She fought harder than anything to be here for me. Now it is my turn to fight. Though I don't have cancer (yet...maybe ever), I get to fight now...and if it honors her, then that is an added bonus.

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