So, here's the deal...sometimes when things actually get really bad, and blogging would be an ideal outlet for stress relief, I tend to shy away from posting. I've really been trying hard to do the whole "suck it up" thing. You know, the "no one actually really cares about your life" thought process? Many people often use this tactic to gloss over their pain. I constantly tell myself that boo-hooing is only a sign of weakness, and to share my boo hoo's would actually probably bore people. However, there is always that one part of me that knows other women can relate to me. I'm not quite sure how I should even go about this without posting too much personal information about others...so, I am going to try to keep it as focused on myself, as possible. You'll likely be able to fill in the gaps that I will be leaving, but I ask that you not place judgement or make any crazy assumptions.
My marriage is...over, I guess. Saying it and typing it is always so hard. I used to think my marriage was invincible. Yes, we argued (who doesn't?) and had minor issues..but, I never saw this coming. I met him when I was 14 and had looked up to him, possibly even idolized him, for years and years. I was so in love...even during fights, I couldn't imagine my world without him. There are still days where I wonder how I will be, without him. He was my best friend. Beyond my Mom, he was the closest person to me...no matter what happened in my world, he was the first person I went to. I trusted him with my soul. It was more than just a simple love. Our love was everything to me. My marriage was my priority. I birthed three beautiful children all because of the love we shared. Everything I did, I did with my husband in mind. I can honestly say, I put him and the kids way before everything else. If he would have asked me to move a mountain, I would have found a way to do it, or at least have built a tunnel...
Making him happy made me happy...it's simple. I can't blame him for myself not making myself a priority. Maybe I'm "basic", but putting others before me has always been important to me. Making the world happy for others was always more important than making the world happy for me. It's a new concept that I am struggling with. I'm learning how to make choices for ME now, and quite honestly, I am not even sure what makes me happy, other than seeing others happy. I don't even know if I can be happy right now. To be honest, I am scared. Terrified. I am a woman who just turned 30, has three children under the age of 6, no college degree, no career...and ultimately NO insurance after the year is up. Do you know how absolutely terrifying that is, as a Previvor? Everything I did, everything I have done to be proactive...and I will end up without insurance. Knowing that I could still end up with cancer at any moment chills me to the bone...but thinking about going through it without insurance is literally one of the most intense fears I have ever had. But, I either stay in a very unhappy marriage, or I walk away and pray that I can make a better future for myself. Either way, the fear of making a wrong choice plagues me.
Speaking of fear, I probably should have titled this blog post "I am scared, and I'll say it about twenty times in this post". Not only is it the huge things that I am afraid of, but it's all the smaller things too. How do I even begin to explain my defeated body imagine?! Oh my gosh. Where do I even start? I sometimes let my mind wander to those awful, insecure thoughts. Maybe it was because of my body? Maybe after having so many kids, my stomach disgusted him? Maybe it was the surgeries? Maybe he could never find me sexually attractive again? Maybe I was "washed up"? Honestly, at 30 years old...my body has been through A LOT. I always wonder, if I hadn't had my PBM, maybe my marriage would have survived. I'm not saying that was the downfall of my marriage. You can ask him, and he'd tell anyone, he still finds me sexually attractive. He still says he loves me. He swears that what happened in our marriage was not because of my PBM. However, if you ask just about any Previvor that was married and ended up divorced (by the way, there are a lot of us out there), she'll likely have similar thoughts as I do. What if my body had been better? What if I never gained a ton of weight while pregnant, what if I still had nipples (yes, it was a legitimate concern...and by the way, since we're on this...as of a week ago, I now have nipples!!), what if I didn't have these scars? Why wasn't I good enough?
And then, that fear comes again. Fear often rushes over me like waves. If my body may have turned off someone that loved me, how will another man ever look at me and see beauty? Will I ever feel comfortable being completely naked in front of another man? Truthfully, there are days where I don't even like seeing myself naked in the mirror...so why would anyone else like it? Obviously, I'm battling some insecurities. I just really never thought I'd be in this position. I genuinely never thought I'd ever be naked in front of any other man...except the man I married. I never imagined I would be in this situation. I thought he would have loved me more. I thought that the person I was on the inside made any external flaw of mine completely unnoticeable to him. I believed in fairy tales.
So, I am taking it all one day at a time. I'm starting to see things from a different perspective. Some days I feel strong and other days I catch myself trying to come up for air, in between my sobs. Beyond losing my Mom, this is the absolute worst thing I have ever gone though. I have never been more hurt in my entire life. The one person that I thought had a safeguard on my soul, was the one person that was also able to break it. Don't get me wrong, I still love him. He is still a gigantic part of who I am...but, I know *I* need to be a bigger part of who I am. I need to love myself more than I loved him....because, I truly never did. I imagine this is how the whole separation and divorce emotions feel for everyone..and it's in that thought, that I find courage. If others can do it, so can I. I can get through this and come out a happier person in the end. I don't have to lose hope of that fairy tale love, because maybe it is out there...but staying in a broken marriage is not where I am going to find it. Maybe I need to stick with the cheesy "falling in love with yourself" concept. Maybe my fairy tale will come true, within myself. Maybe I am supposed to be the one to save myself, and learn to be who I want to be.
Here is to my journey as a "Singlevivor"...I am sure there are many more tears, glasses of wine, lonely nights...and even nights of happiness, to come. Cheers, to falling in love with who I am now and becoming who I need to be, for myself.
(Speaking of Singlevivors...you can find a sister group for "Singlevivors" though the Young Previvors support page on Facebook, which is one of my favorite links on this blog..if you find yourself in a similar boat, you're always welcome to join us!)