I like to think I'm usually very positive. I like to think that my good days outnumber the bad days. I believe I can turn lemons into lemonade most days....then it happens, a cloud in the sunny skies. No one can be strong all of the time, and even the most positive people have doubts and weakness once in a while.
Last night was one of those "weak" nights. I threw myself a pity party, and the more I thought about things, the more upset I felt myself getting. Usually, I block the sadness or negativity and turn it into all the positive reasons to be happy....but, last night, I felt so lost and angry. I suppose we all have those really bad days, where your mind just doesn't shut off...where the more you think about things, the more upset you become.
I keep thinking I want a third baby (yes, this is TMI...stop reading if you don't like it). I really thought I was done having kids after my pregnancy with our daughter. I remember how much the second (third, really) pregnancy wrecked havoc on my body. With each baby I had gestational diabetes, and it got considerably worse for me the second time around. I had to be put on insulin injections four times a day to control my GDM (gestational diabetes mellitus). No matter what I did with my diet, for both babies, I couldn't get a handle on it. I could eat egg whites one day and my blood sugar would still skyrocket...I could exercise all day if I wanted, and I still had issues. There was nothing I could do, I felt helpless and fearful that I was hurting my babies. Our son was totally fine when he came out, but our daughter definitely had low blood sugar. It's terrifying, as a mom, to worry that your body could hurt your own babies. A fear I have often, when I think about my maternal family history with breast cancer.
I can handle anything that happens to my body. I can persevere..unless it affects my children. As soon as my children's well being (physical and emotional) come into play, I turn into a fighter. I change into a different person when my kids are involved.
I let myself "go there" last night. I tried searching for information on third pregnancies with GDM, and I really couldn't even find much at all. I guess most people stop after round two with GDM....then I got to thinking...and this is where the mind can be dangerous and mean...
I started the "why me"? The question I have always fought to ignore, because I find it to be so selfish and ridiculous. People have things way worse, yet here I am, pouting and struggling with this silly question. I let my mind slip into this dark cave...the "it's so unfair" cave. I began asking myself, "why does this have to happen to me?", "Why does my body do this?", "I don't trust my body", "I am scared for what will happen". I let my mind go to the place of not understanding why I am in my twenties and, yet, I fear cancer like I am in my seventies. I let my mind go there when I thought about how unfair it is that MY body seems so toxic...my body puts my children at danger. I started thinking "whats wrong with me?" and "Why am I so selfish?". Here I am wishing for another baby, and yet, I know that there is such a high chance of GDM again...they could have diabetes themselves, they could have severe health problems (under developed lungs, seizures, etc) and to top it off, one day, they could end up with the fate so prominent in my family...cancer. Not to mention, the likelihood of my own type 2 diabetes down the road.
That's where the "unfair" thoughts come into mind. I feel healthy. I have gained weight post PBM, but I am strong, eat healthy (for the most part), and I am very cautious with my body. Why does my body feel like it's always against me? It's hard to comprehend why, as a healthy individual, I feel like I have so many road blocks. Women my age rarely worry about these things. Most pregnancies (even if women are overweight) don't result in GDM (please understand that I know things could be MUCH WORSE..this isn't a "one up" on how bad it can be...I cannot stand that). Most women don't look at their toddlers and wonder if the fight against cancer will be revolutionized by the time their kids grow up (wishful thinking...praying on it everyday though). I'm wrapped up in the "unfair" world, and I know I need to kick that mindset to the curb, but it's a reality in my world.
Knowing that my geneticist advised me to remove my ovaries in just six years (likely, a vast number of my friends will just start having children by that age), I am stuck on this idea of wanting one more child. My kids enrich my life, and I'd like to believe that I do the same for them. I always wanted a big family...even more so after my Mom passed away. Being an only child was HARD during that time. I never want my kids to feel alone. God forbid anything happens to me (it will, one day, but hopefully when they're old and have their own grandchildren), I want my babies to have one another, to be united. I don't want my children to ever feel alone in the world. The more of them, the better off they'll be later in life. Family is incredibly important to me...big families make me happy. Selfish, maybe? Though, I think of my children in every decision I make, I feel like adding another child is so right. Then that cloud comes over my sunshiny sky and I feel awful for wanting another baby, knowing what my body can do...and I am stuck. A brick wall, a doom and gloom feeling that is so hard to escape.
In my very natural urge to fight, I know I cannot just sit around thinking this way. I have to let life happen...but, the medical side of this fight knows I should get an opinion from a specialist. I have to see if there is a healthy way to proceed. It's a yes or a no...there is no middle ground on this one. Yes, it can be safe...or, no, it would be detrimental to any child I would conceive. I just wish (isn't that loaded word?) that none of this was an issue. I wish I could have a normal, easy pregnancy. I wish that I didn't have to fear the future for my children, in terms of the genetic predispositions.
My mission for the day, week, month, year...I have to avoid these "I wish" thoughts. I have to take each day as it comes, and know that there is no mountain I cannot climb. I cannot change my genetics and I cannot change the way my insulin receptors work while pregnant. I can only work with what is given to me at the moment. At this moment, I am blessed, no matter what tricks my mind can play, I am blessed.