Exactly one month, to the day! My nerves has substantially calmed down since I got a surgery date. I felt like a tense bubble about to pop! It's unusual how calm I am at this point. Happy, actually. I am extremely happy, to the point of being overjoyed! It's kind of bizarre, if you think about it. I am thrilled that my breasts are about to be removed...scraped out, and thrown away. Often I wonder if I need to smack myself...am I insane? Is this real life? Who would be happy to get rid of their breasts?!
I am, as well as many other Previvors that I know. I feel like it's my birthday, Christmas, a celebration of some sort...but, it's not. I am facing a year long process (on average) of physical, and possibly, some emotional pain...and I am elated! I guess I just know that the pain I will soon feel is nothing in comparison to the pain that a woman dying of breast cancer feels, or how their children feel.
This surgery doesn't mean that I will live cancer free for the rest of my life...but my chances of getting breast cancer are drastically lower! I'll take it. I'll take the pain. The best part of all of this is, though I won't get to hold my children for a long time, they are too young to remember this. I get to keep them sheltered, at least for now. At the ages of three and one, I'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible. Yes, I will still kiss my son when he is 45. I don't care! I am THAT mom, and proud of it!
On the other hand, I do need to figure out a way to sleep better at night. I keep having dreams about the surgery. Last night, I dreamt that my Mom was in the office with me. I was there for the entire surgery, but they wanted to do something to my arm first...I guess some sort of shunt or port. In my dream, it seemed like a totally legitimate explanation of what they had to do. Unfortunately, they had to stop that portion of the surgery, and I had to wait...another whole month to finish...because, at one point, I smuggled a McDonald's cheeseburger in and ate it while I was hungry...and they caught me. First of all, GAG, I don't even like McDonald's cheeseburgers. I really need to get up with my brain and have a long conversation...why a cheeseburger...why not lobster or something?! Either way..they caught me, so my Mom and I went to a mall for the rest of the day to devise a plan to convince them that even though I ate before surgery, I wouldn't have any sort of cardiac arrest on the operating table. Then I think I may have panicked a little bit about my heart stopping because of a cheeseburger.
Seriously, where is this coming from?! Such silliness. I am not worried...when I am awake, I am not worried. I am READY...not a fear in the world. I am ready for the chance to possibly live much longer than what the cards dealt to me had in mind. The only thing I worry about is organizing the kids rooms so that no one puts on too big/small of clothes on them. I need to make freezer meals...so I can alleviate some stress from my husband. Poor guy, can handle troops...but, the kids and I 110% after my surgery....even I don't envy him! I am slowly checking off my pre surgery checklist for everything I'll need post op (got a recliner today...for $30!!! HECK YES and it's super comfortable and clean too!) and I know I will be over-prepared. Over prepared is fine though. Better than under prepared, and this gives me time to focus on small things, and not worry about the big things. Small things are always much more fun to worry about than big things! FINALLY, all I need to worry about now is the small stuff, thank you surgeons for getting me this date. Surgery day is May 7th, and I am ecstatic! Bring it on!!!