Since I have opened up about my prophylactic bilateral double mastectomy, I have noticed a trend that I had hoped to stay far away from. When people look at me, and talk to me, I see that they are genuinely concerned. While being concerned for me is wonderful, and I am glad that people truly care about me, I do not want anyone to feel bad for me. Do not pity me. Do not feel sadness for me. The only reason that I'll allow pity is that I lost my mother/best friend as well as my grandmother...both deaths were extremely hard on me. I still picture them, laying in their beds after passing...it's an image that will NEVER go away. The only sadness I feel is from the loss of the two most important women in my life. It's a sadness that can never be described. It's a physical pain I feel in my heart when I think about it.
I do not want pity. Pity the women who could have been given this option, but it was too late. Feel bad for the women that lose their fight to this horrible disease on a daily basis. Women don't get to watch their own children grow up, some never get married, some will never have children...THAT is sad. Death is sad. Losing someone whom was very dear to you is sad. Children growing up without a mother is sad.
There is nothing to feel bad about when it comes to my PBM. Celebrate it and feel joy for me. I am being given a fighting chance at living a long life! My children (hopefully) will never have to see what breast cancer (or any cancer) does. My children will not have to watch me slowly pass away. My children will not fear that I won't make it to their graduations, weddings, bringing my grandchildren into the world. If something ever happens to me, it won't be because of breast cancer. I am getting a chance at living a long, healthy life. There is nothing to pity about that.
Though this journey will be uncomfortable, and sometimes painful...in the long run, it will be worth it. The physical pain, for me, is nothing compared to the emotional pain my children would endure if I had to leave them too soon. So, I beg you, when you look at me, don't frown...smile. Smile and know that I get to beat this thing before it beats me! Know that I am happy (elated actually), I am at peace with my decision, and I am honestly (in a twisted way) blessed.